Unsure father looking for outside opinions?

[cy250]

Hi,

This is a long story and I apologize for the novel on a forum... I am unsure if this is the right area to post it in...but I feel that many folks here may have asked themselves this same thing with what everyone has gone through.

Firstly, I am a idiot. I am lazy in some ways...but I get things done when I have to. I have a full-time job, I feel I am very competent at work and will get promotions whether it be at my current workplace or elsewhere. I have been with my girlfriend for nearly 10 years now, high school sweet hearts. We dated end of our freshman year. She has cheated on me me not once, twice, thrice, but four times. Each time I blamed myself for one thing or another as I try to be very open-minded and understanding as I tried to understand her actions and thought if I addressed it and met it, it will never happen again. Well...I was wrong four times and I see the patterns occurring again. We have a 10 month old daughter whom I worry very much of learning her mother's habit. I want my daughter to grow up proudly and be a honest, upright person. I feel her mother's habit of avoiding responsibility and compulsive lying will to the detriment of my daughter in the long run.

But... me and the mother do not have a terrible relationship with each other. We do not argue terribly much...or at least I do not raise my voice in response to hers. I tend to just agree with her to placate her when our daughter is in the same room playing. I remember how I felt when my older brother whom I looked up to as a child (we are 11 years apart) would get in arguments with my mother. So the question is, even if the mother of your child may cheat or lie, is it worth staying with her for my daughter? How much do you think it would affect my daughter to grow up without a father...or mother constantly in their life? Yes, I am aware of joint-custody, but... the thought of a weekend father or my daughter having a weekend mother doesn't sit right with me...

I was determined to walk out on her the next time she cheated/lied to me without a word...but I think having a child changes things. I grew up in a very small family with a single mother that raised me and my brother and we were very very close. Complete opposite to my girlfriends family. My mother would do anything for me and my brother, and I mean anything for our well being. I feel I should do the same for my daughter. I would like to the thoughts of others here?

Thank you all that have read this long post....

[AFFA]

Re: Unsure father looking for outside opinions?

I wish to inform you that court consider best interest of child as main consideration. In this regard you may have sole child custody if you can show that you can take care of child. If mother cheats on you then this fact may be informed to court. As regards impact on child when child lives with only parent depends upon child to child and also upon emotional bond which a child is having with a parent.

AFF

[cy250]

Re: Unsure father looking for outside opinions?

I see. Thank you for your input. I have read the many other threads here in regards to custody which is why my question did not pertain anything to custody. It was whether I should take the next steps... I do what needs to be done. I have left a good portion of the care of our daughter to the mother until recently since if I'm not playing or feeding my daughter, I am studying or researching to ultimately further my career goal. I do not see any light in regards to my girlfriends ability to establish a career in the near future or advance far at this time... As for proving to to the courts of cheating, do they consider actions prior to the birth of the child? And if so, would questionable phone records suffice? I have destroyed most of the evidence (SMS's, data from hard drives, social media, etc.) that I had prior to force her to meet me eye to eye on the issue in the past. Anything new, I will have to play a waiting game for....

[goddessoflubboc]

Re: Unsure father looking for outside opinions?

As you never married the mother you have little claim regarding her fidelity. If she were living alone and exposing the child to a barrage of strange men you might have a claim there.

Career or no career people make due. Having one doesn't make you a better parent in and of itself.

Opinion time (only bc you asked): I grew up in a house where dad stayed for all the wrong reasons, although they were right to him. My mother was unpleasant. Because of the way he acquiesced to her I saw him as spineless for many years. I had very little respect for him letting her walk all over him.

As an adult I became better able to understand the dynamics and developed a great relationship with him.

[Disagreeable]

Re: Unsure father looking for outside opinions?

Some people are compulsive liars. Some have needs outside the marriage they are afraid to vocalize. Aside from their flaw, they are great spouse material. Sometimes if we love someone, we need to delve deeper into what their needs are. Sometimes they do not know what their motivation really is. The question then becomes, once we determine what is actually there, do we love them enough to want their needs fulfilled or accept their flaws.

[Friend In Court]

Re: Unsure father looking for outside opinions?

Hi,

This is a long story and I apologize for the novel on a forum... I am unsure if this is the right area to post it in...but I feel that many folks here may have asked themselves this same thing with what everyone has gone through.

Firstly, I am a idiot. I am lazy in some ways...but I get things done when I have to. I have a full-time job, I feel I am very competent at work and will get promotions whether it be at my current workplace or elsewhere. I have been with my girlfriend for nearly 10 years now, high school sweet hearts. We dated end of our freshman year. She has cheated on me me not once, twice, thrice, but four times. Each time I blamed myself for one thing or another as I try to be very open-minded and understanding as I tried to understand her actions and thought if I addressed it and met it, it will never happen again. Well...I was wrong four times and I see the patterns occurring again. We have a 10 month old daughter whom I worry very much of learning her mother's habit. I want my daughter to grow up proudly and be a honest, upright person. I feel her mother's habit of avoiding responsibility and compulsive lying will to the detriment of my daughter in the long run.

But... me and the mother do not have a terrible relationship with each other. We do not argue terribly much...or at least I do not raise my voice in response to hers. I tend to just agree with her to placate her when our daughter is in the same room playing. I remember how I felt when my older brother whom I looked up to as a child (we are 11 years apart) would get in arguments with my mother. So the question is, even if the mother of your child may cheat or lie, is it worth staying with her for my daughter? How much do you think it would affect my daughter to grow up without a father...or mother constantly in their life? Yes, I am aware of joint-custody, but... the thought of a weekend father or my daughter having a weekend mother doesn't sit right with me...

I was determined to walk out on her the next time she cheated/lied to me without a word...but I think having a child changes things. I grew up in a very small family with a single mother that raised me and my brother and we were very very close. Complete opposite to my girlfriends family. My mother would do anything for me and my brother, and I mean anything for our well being. I feel I should do the same for my daughter. I would like to the thoughts of others here?

Thank you all that have read this long post....

No one can predict how a 10-month old child will turn out because her mother is unfaithful to her father. And, yes, fathers are VERY important to little girls. A father is the first man in a little girl's life and how he treats her, loves her is what her model will be for the men she chooses later on.

Your real problem is the relationship with the mother. And being unfaithful to one man does not necessarily mean that the mother's heels are terminally round. There may be a problem in the relationship between the two of you where she does not want to commit, is taking out anger, frustration or boredom with you buy having affairs with others.

Even if you were a trained counselor which nothing in your post indicates you are not the person to unravel the reason behind her conduct. There are many possible reasons why she is seeking attention elsewhere.

My suggestion is that you two seek marriage counseling (call it 'relationship counseling' since you two have not committed to each other to marry, yet -- even with a child you should be creating a family for). And find out whether there is enough between the two of you to cement your relationship into a monogamous one.

Before you throw in the towel, my recommendation is that you give it a try to get your relationship into a clinic to see if it can be healed and made solid and well.