Never had custody, but would like to get joint (Parents reside in different states)

[ejay2424]

Hello All,

I am the biological father of a 10 year old daughter. I have only gotten to see my daughter about once a year since she was born because the mother has always regulated when and where I can see my kid. I have almost always had to visit her in her state. Over the course of the last 10 years since my daughter was born, we both have moved in and out of several different states. I am currently in Georgia and last I heard from her, she was residing in South Carolina. I have not gotten to see my daughter in almost 3 years because the mother keeps trying to regulate and be in control of the situation. I am quite tired of this and have finally realized (thanks to a friend) that I do have some legal rights as the biological father. So, my questions are as follows:

1. If I don't know where the mother and daughter live, how can I move forward with legal proceedings in an attempt to get some type of custody of my daughter? I know the last time we spoke, she was in South Carolina, but if I ask her where she resides and for her address, she is going to know that I am trying to go to court and will not give me this information. I would like at least one major holiday, every other spring break (or split the spring break up in half) and a month during the summer.

2. If she does reside in South Carolina and I reside in Georgia, where do papers get filed for court?

3. How bad does it look for me in my fight for custody, since I haven't seen my daughter in about 3 years? The mother has made it rather difficult, but I won't have much proof of this to go to court with, so it appears that I have just been absent for the past 3 years. I have called, text'd, and all that, but I did not keep these records, so I really have no proof. Will the court even take this into consideration?

I really could use just a little guidance to get started. One of the main reasons I haven't been able to do much (aside from my ignorance that I have rights as the biological father) is the money factor. Lawyers can be expensive and I have just been plain broke for years now. I may be able to burn a small amount of money now (not too expensive), so I am hoping this wouldn't be a strenuous process and could be taken care of quickly. I know that may just be wishful thinking, but I have not seen my daughter in a long time, I have to do something to take the control away from the mother so that I can salvage some type of relationship with my daughter before its too late (if it isn't already).

Also, I pay child support every month and have done so since my daughter was born. Not sure if that matters, but wanted to make sure that was included in this thread in case it did matter.

[goddessoflubboc]

Re: Never had custody, but would like to get joint (Parents reside in different state

Joint physical custody is not a possibility, you don't live close enough. You can get joint legal giving you a say in medical, religious and educational decisions, and visitation.

Can you tell mom you'd like to send something extra directly to your daughter to get her address? Otherwise you will have difficulty bc she needs to be served. Start the process however.

[sandyclaus]

Re: Never had custody, but would like to get joint (Parents reside in different state

Hello All,

I am the biological father of a 10 year old daughter. I have only gotten to see my daughter about once a year since she was born because the mother has always regulated when and where I can see my kid. I have almost always had to visit her in her state. Over the course of the last 10 years since my daughter was born, we both have moved in and out of several different states. I am currently in Georgia and last I heard from her, she was residing in South Carolina. I have not gotten to see my daughter in almost 3 years because the mother keeps trying to regulate and be in control of the situation. I am quite tired of this and have finally realized (thanks to a friend) that I do have some legal rights as the biological father. So, my questions are as follows:

1. If I don't know where the mother and daughter live, how can I move forward with legal proceedings in an attempt to get some type of custody of my daughter? I know the last time we spoke, she was in South Carolina, but if I ask her where she resides and for her address, she is going to know that I am trying to go to court and will not give me this information. I would like at least one major holiday, every other spring break (or split the spring break up in half) and a month during the summer.

2. If she does reside in South Carolina and I reside in Georgia, where do papers get filed for court?

3. How bad does it look for me in my fight for custody, since I haven't seen my daughter in about 3 years? The mother has made it rather difficult, but I won't have much proof of this to go to court with, so it appears that I have just been absent for the past 3 years. I have called, text'd, and all that, but I did not keep these records, so I really have no proof. Will the court even take this into consideration?

I really could use just a little guidance to get started. One of the main reasons I haven't been able to do much (aside from my ignorance that I have rights as the biological father) is the money factor. Lawyers can be expensive and I have just been plain broke for years now. I may be able to burn a small amount of money now (not too expensive), so I am hoping this wouldn't be a strenuous process and could be taken care of quickly. I know that may just be wishful thinking, but I have not seen my daughter in a long time, I have to do something to take the control away from the mother so that I can salvage some type of relationship with my daughter before its too late (if it isn't already).

Also, I pay child support every month and have done so since my daughter was born. Not sure if that matters, but wanted to make sure that was included in this thread in case it did matter.

Based on your story, I'm going to assume that you and the mother were never married? As such, as a single mother, the child's mother has always has SOLE legal and physical custody over the child. She was under no legal obligation to allow you any kind of custody or visitation, unless and until you decided to assert your parental rights in court to seek it.

The mother has always had the right to control it until you made a move by seeking court-ordered custody and/or visitation. So, why have you never done so before now?

If you do choose to file for some form of court-ordered custody and/or visitation, you will have to do so in the state where the child resides with her mother. You obviously can't even get started unless you can figure out where they are.

You are saying you want joint custody. Given the age of your child and your lack of active involvement, especially in the last 3 years, it's unlikely that's going to happen - at least not right away. The best you can hope for would probably be a graduated and supervised visitation for an extended period of time, to allow both you and the child to get used to each other. Only after the court is satisfied that you are capable of it will you get unsupervised visits, and even then, only for short periods of time, working up to perhaps an every other weekend schedule. You'll probably be responsible for transportation to and from the child's residence, and you probably won't be allowed to take the child out of the state right away.

Start by finding out where the child is. Once you've done that, do a search for Child Custody Self-Help sites published by the local courts. It's not always necessary to hire an attorney to get custody established, and these sites are often a good resource for those trying to do as much as they can on their own. As an alternative, you may wish to consult with an attorney, if nothing else than to get a feel for what to expect and to obtain some guidance on how to proceed further.

[Friend In Court]

Re: Never had custody, but would like to get joint (Parents reside in different state

Hello All,

I am the biological father of a 10 year old daughter. I have only gotten to see my daughter about once a year since she was born because the mother has always regulated when and where I can see my kid. I have almost always had to visit her in her state. Over the course of the last 10 years since my daughter was born, we both have moved in and out of several different states. I am currently in Georgia and last I heard from her, she was residing in South Carolina. I have not gotten to see my daughter in almost 3 years because the mother keeps trying to regulate and be in control of the situation. I am quite tired of this and have finally realized (thanks to a friend) that I do have some legal rights as the biological father. So, my questions are as follows:

1. If I don't know where the mother and daughter live, how can I move forward with legal proceedings in an attempt to get some type of custody of my daughter? I know the last time we spoke, she was in South Carolina, but if I ask her where she resides and for her address, she is going to know that I am trying to go to court and will not give me this information. I would like at least one major holiday, every other spring break (or split the spring break up in half) and a month during the summer.

2. If she does reside in South Carolina and I reside in Georgia, where do papers get filed for court?

3. How bad does it look for me in my fight for custody, since I haven't seen my daughter in about 3 years? The mother has made it rather difficult, but I won't have much proof of this to go to court with, so it appears that I have just been absent for the past 3 years. I have called, text'd, and all that, but I did not keep these records, so I really have no proof. Will the court even take this into consideration?

I really could use just a little guidance to get started. One of the main reasons I haven't been able to do much (aside from my ignorance that I have rights as the biological father) is the money factor. Lawyers can be expensive and I have just been plain broke for years now. I may be able to burn a small amount of money now (not too expensive), so I am hoping this wouldn't be a strenuous process and could be taken care of quickly. I know that may just be wishful thinking, but I have not seen my daughter in a long time, I have to do something to take the control away from the mother so that I can salvage some type of relationship with my daughter before its too late (if it isn't already).

Also, I pay child support every month and have done so since my daughter was born. Not sure if that matters, but wanted to make sure that was included in this thread in case it did matter.

What do you consider "joint custody" for starters? Do you think that means the child live with you half the time and the mother the other half? Joint custody means the parents have equal say in raising the child -- school, medical issues,religious education, etc. It does not mean joint residency.

By not involving yourself actively in your child's life -- not even knowing where they live at present you say -- you have not been an active parent. And desiring to "take control from the mother so you can salvage some typre of relationship' is no basis to begin a custody battle.

Custody is determined on the basis of what is best for the child. The child has been under the mother's care and control, is settled in the mother's community, school, friends and uprooting a child is only done for compelling reasons. If the mother has been non sharing, you do not have a visitation schedule, then that should be Priority One it seems. With court ordered visitation, the mother will have no choice but to comply.

Custody is not changed so one parent can form a relationship. To move a child to the other parent who is a virtual stranger is far too disruptive and upsetting to a child for a court to seriously consider -- barring compelling circumstances such as danger or gross unfitness of the custodial parent.

My recommendation is that you find your child and bring an action in the superior court of the county in which she lives for such orders as you need; a parenting plan with liberal visitation, for starters.

[ejay2424]

Re: Never had custody, but would like to get joint (Parents reside in different state

I apologize for the confusion as I have utilized horrible wording in my original post. I don't mean that I want my kid half the time out the year as I know that is not going to happen. I just want to be able to spend some time with her in the summer and one or two holidays a year, and maybe every other spring break or half spring break. I am not trying to get my kid 6 months out the year because I am aware that this is not a feasible option due to school, etc. I know it looks bad and people can think what they want, but we have always lived in different states, but I have always made attempts to see my daughter, some successful and some not. I just want to get some type of rights, but with us living in different states, I don't understand how visitation would make sense in the same way it would as if we were 10 miles from each other? So, what most is suggesting is that the best I can hope for, for now, is to get a 2 hour visitation once every two weeks or so? It would be a wonderful start if we were 10 miles apart, even 50 miles apart, I could handle it. I don't understand that type of justification if we are 300-500 miles apart. It would be hard to establish a relationship that way because I obviously would be limited due to work and money to be able to take a trip for two hours or whatever every two weeks. I'm not saying I am rejecting this idea, but it just doesn't seem like a logical scenario based on the possible distance separation. Anyone else have any suggestions, experience, or knowledge if that is what I have to look forward to (meaning 2 hour supervised visits or something similar)?