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My son's future (my son’s living arrangements)

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  • My son's future (my son’s living arrangements)

    Must give a little history to understand the present. Very sorry that this was so long, but felt short statements would not provide adequately.

    I was legally married to a male for almost 20 years. It was not much of a marriage, as he turned out to be a spoiled, self-serving, know-it-all narcissist that was also uncaring and not responsible. Unfortunately, he also has some smarts about him and charm and is a real talker. It took a couple years before everything started to surface. Also, another main characteristic is that he could not and still cannot, hold down a job. Somehow, his loss of job - it is always due to someone else. He told me that he would really buckle down when we had two children, but “those times” did not last long.

    After many years of feeling unloved and used and also going thru depression a couple of times, I filed for divorce – but the uncontested type. This really made him angry so he filed for a contested divorce – although the outcome ( 2 yrs later) was basically what I had outlined in the uncontested and therefore only wasted well over $5,000 for each of us.

    Also, just to show additional character traits of the “ex”. He damaged my car (keyed it, broke side mirror and dented it), ripped up 4 good suits I used for work, sprayed blue dye on 2 very expensive dresses and cut a whole in my coat, in addition to breaking a gold bracelet, taking the diamond out of one ring – he broke the prongs, taking 2 other rings and my pearl necklace. Because no one saw him do this, and because of course he said he didn’t, there was nothing I could do about this.

    At the time of the divorce I had been in outside sales for almost a year with my previous employment being at a very good “desk” job. However, I knew I would have to make more money to help my wonderful children – at that time in their early teens – with all the things that come about at that age. Also, it was a last stance to the “ex” to show him that I could move myself forward and possibly motivate him to try again. That however did not occur and that was the reason for filing for divorce.

    Because I made more money (easy to do when the father does not have a reliable job) and I was thinking more for the children’s sake, I decided that it was probably in my children’s best interest to allow them to stay in the family house and I would move out. I could not have counted on the “ex” providing enough income with me going back to a desk job to be able to not travel and be home with my children. If had had traveled with me being custodial, I would have had to find a live in adult and that was difficult at the time. So, I did something that hurt so bad – I moved out and I ended up having to pay child support for both children.

    When my daughter turned 18, she moved in with me (over a year ago). My son stayed with the “ex” due to mostly being given a free rein then and still. And boy did he take it. For the past two years he has failed school. He has lost a lot of weight and although he could have done with losing 15 lbs he probably lost over 30 lbs – from not eating, or not eating well and staying out late with his friends and when he did show up for public school he would sleep during the first class. School home-work was not done properly or sometimes not at all, but my son had no parental supervision. In fact, he was getting away with so much that it scared me knowing that his life was being wasted and he was hurting his future, plus I felt my son was becoming despondent. It did not appear that the “ex” was even making himself aware of what was going on with our son.

    So I have been paying a lot of child support and my children basically received nothing but the necessities due to the fact that the “ex” used child support money to pay bills that he should have been paying if he had a job. My son is 17 and although he is responsible for his choices, he has not been given the direct supervision and guidance that he should have been receiving and of course, no one tells me until the very last minute. The “ex” cannot even pick up the phone when I call and I have to write him 3 or more emails before he will even respond and it is always in a very hateful manner.

    So with all this being said – the situation currently stands that the “ex” is selling the house and he has told our son that he must come live with me, which is fine and I wanted my son with me and he had signed a statement previously (over a year ago) that he wanted to come live with me when I bought a new house, but then changed his mind because the “ex” made him feel guilty, and then also reminded him of all the freedom that he has – even tho it is detrimental to my son’s personal growth toward being an adult.
    My son has moved the rest of his belongings in to my home as of the beginning of the month and he said that he wants to live with me. However, the “ex” won’t sign a statement (witnessed & notarized) now to say that he acknowledges that our son is going to live with me and that he relinquishes child support payments from me. I could go ahead with the legal paperwork but I do not want to be responsible for child support payments for the time that it takes to get these requests thru the court system and have my son living with me. My attorney’s office said that with a statement like I just mentioned, I would be protected from paying child support and the judge would accept it. The next thing I hear from the “ex” is that he said that his sister and her husband would let our son stay with them – while I pay him child support, but that is not acceptable to me as both of their children are little rich drug addicts – one of which is in jail now. Additionally, my son does not want to stay with them and he has the right to choose. It is just one more aggravating circumstance that the “ex” has to pull up just to make life difficult. Supposedly my son was to come live with me until the “ex” found another place (besides temporarily with his girlfriend). Even if my son wanted to stay at his aunts house, why would I have to pay child support to the ex?

    Anyway, with my son living with me: His grades are already starting to improve during the past couple of weeks and he has participated as a family member and is also keeping his room fairly clean (which is an accomplishment per his sister).

    The “ex” is also – per our divorce agreement – to give each one of the children $6000.00 from the sell of the house. I reminded him of this and his comment was: “aren’t I supposed to make something?” He says there won’t be any money to give to them. This statement was put into the divorce agreement - signed and documented in the court, because he could not give me an equal amount of the equity from a refinance and I said than just give it to the children later.

    So I have several issues here: one having my son live with me and the child support payment issues, my son’s living arrangements in general as staying with the ex is detrimental in my opinion, and the sell of the house with money to each of the children.

    I need help before going to an attorney with all these issues and paying a lot of money – yet once again. Also, can the “ex” be made to pay part of this cost?

    Again, my apology for the length of this script. Thank you in advance for guidance in these areas.

  • #2
    re: My son's future (my son’s living arrangements)

    If we follow you correctly, you do need to file in court to get the support changed and the situation confirmed if the son is going to be with you...you can do so without a lawyer if need be and the payments should change back to the date of your filing.

    Any failure by your ex to make the house sale payments would allow you to fine a contempt of court motion against him--and the court would punish him, if need be.

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