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WA (now) - Custody / DV / Abandoned 2 years ago

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  • WA (now) - Custody / DV / Abandoned 2 years ago

    OK Sorry for the length on this, I will buckle down as I know a lot of people get kind of cussed out if they are not talking about doing what some State Legislator said they should do. With ex (unmarried) for about 7 years. 2 boys (4 & 7). From the time the first was born ex *literally* worked probably 7 DAYS. Didn't want to work because it would just go to child support for the ex. There was extensive (and am not exactly sensitive) physical, mental & emotional abuse. Like most DV victims I was too stupid to have him arrested for fear I couldn't get them to hold him, but eventually I snapped out of my stupor. Had to run to DV shelter as I didn't have anywhere else to go. That was 2 years ago. To be safe I filed a TRO (1 year), especially since not only did he repeatedly beat me, choke me & literally throw me out of my own house (a few times per year), but I am also not the first that had to go the DV shelter route to leave him. He has 3 kids from his last relationship, which ended that way. That's who he owe's the child support to. Prior to that, he had impregnated a girl when he was about 18, married her, than flew out to the military and she divorced him while he was gone. She did, however, leave visitation an open option. He never took advantage. On the last one, he told me he won custody of his kids "more than once", but his brother's wife told me he never even showed up for court. I know he had every reason (excuse) in the world to not go for visitation with those kids either. Instead I got to listen to his rants about all the ways he was going to kill her, until of course he got side-tracked by telling me how he was going to kill me (yes, this really happened, and yes I know it.. or rather I, sound awfully stupid to have hung around). At any rate, he has a history, documented, of doing everything in his power to avoid being a real parent, history of violence (no DV charges (from me anyway, maybe from his last), but they used him as a precedent in a law defining what's considered a deadly weapon after he assaulted someone), history of mental & emotional abuse of not only me, but the children too, and I am no psychologist but he fits the profile of a very serious personality disorder in every way. Oh and he never supported them at all - I always worked, he always spent, mostly on the copious amounts of beer that he would drink basically nightly for sometimes weeks or months at a stretch, eventually spending more time drunk with me than sober I believe. 2 years ago I left & filed the TRO for safety, explicitly put in it no request for child support (ha - what for), and set up a visitation schedule at a neutral location. He was served in MT, where he went to days after I left, and his sister-in-law called me to tip me off where he was (he had made no attempt to contact since he called the police to file a missing persons, right after he had sis-in-law call my work claiming he had been hit by a car & was dead) after she spent 6 WEEKS living with him in their house which almost drove them nuts. She also was kind enough to tell me that her husband told her the minute ex got the TRO, w/o reading it, he called his bro & said "great! now she can get me for child support!" apparently that was his only worry. Now, after 2 years & no attempt from him to contact me, though he knows where I work & my cell # (though he tried to get me fired by sending a letter to the Board of Directors of the company I work for). I need to go formally file for custody. *ASSUMING* I can get him served, as I have no idea if he still has a job or the same job, the chances of him showing up for court are probably worse than my chances of being struck by lightning today, at my desk, but there's still a chance. Now the question: Do I seriously, to humor the courts and show my "best interest of the child" have to go into court with a request for some nice, happy, smiley feel-good joint or shared custody plan worked out after this lunatic has been incommunicado for 2 years, just because everyone says "courts like the parents trying to work together"??? And please don't just respond by yelling at me for using the term lunatic - I spent 7 years with him & have some great stories that you truly, of course, wouldn't believe! Thanks for your patience!

  • #2
    Re: WA (now) - Custody / DV / Abandoned 2 years ago

    Your post is an extreme novel. Nobody is going to read all through that. Please parse it down to the concise details at hand.

    Also, use some white space, double space between paragraphs.


    • #3
      Re: WA (now) - Custody / DV / Abandoned 2 years ago

      Yes it is long but oh well I can relate when there's a long history there! if I were you i wouldn't go for joint custody!! i would try to get his parental rights taken away. he never worked never paid any support after you left screw him he doesn't deserve to see those kids! i would hope that no judge would give him any sort of visitation after the physical history!!! especially if you have police records!! try to keep your kids and yourself away and safe from that loser!! Good luck


      • #4
        Re: WA (now) - Custody / DV / Abandoned 2 years ago

        First things first. You mention you two were never married. When the children were born, did he sign an Acknowledgement of Paternity? It matters not if his name is listed as the father on the birth certificate. Without the AofP, he has no legally established rights to the children, and unwed mothers, by default, have sole legal custody of their illegitimate children.

        If this never took place, you don't need to go to court and file for custody. You already have sole custody. Also, if he's not been legally established as the father, you are under no obligation to allow him to see the kids or have the right to parent them. He would have to petition the court for a paternity test, and have it be proven that he is the biological father. Only then can he ask the court for any parental rights.

        Can you post back with a little more info on whether he's been legally established as the father to these children?

        You can file a petition with the court for a restraining order on him. Once an abuser, always an abuser, and it always escalates.


        • #5
          Re: WA (now) - Custody / DV / Abandoned 2 years ago

          Me again. He signed the AOP at the time of birth. I filed a restraining order against him when I left him, but that was 2 years ago. Haven't filed custody yet because:

          1. This guy has a serious history of abandoning such matters & just going off to make more children (2 in this relationship, 3 in the last, 1 when he was 18 - which he eventually relinquished all rights to when the child was 17, after never having visited the child - ever)

          2. I have a very good job, but lots of debt to pay off from this debacle (the debacle being living with him - he couldn't seem to earn anything in 6 1/2 years, but he sure knows how to spend). At any rate, I wasn't about to run to court & chance a battle with him (if he actually showed up for it), if it was going to make us homeless in the process. The kids had just as much right as me to be stressed & they needed some stability.

          I know since he signed the Ack I should go petition for custody, but the more I read the more I get the impression I should let sleeping dogs lie, as it may infuriate him even if he has no *real* interest in his children (note the only thing he had to say, per his sis-in-law, when he got the restraining order was "F**k! Now she can get me for child support!", even though the TRO specifically stated NO request for child support. And I had made a provision for supervised visitation, but in OR, and he had already left to Montana the minute he realized I wasn't coming back & I wouldn't have anything to do with him.

          I also understand the point of many that a parent should always buck up & support their kids, but since he's never done it before, I don't see the point in starting now. Even if he has a job, he is already probably had the state of OR catch up to him to support the last (welfare mom) so it would be worthless venture anyway.


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